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Trauma dump on me while I work on an Ashley Graves Doom Mod.
Description
Parents didn't love you enough? Got cheated by your partner? Or maybe you won a lottery ticket, and then lost it on the way home?
Hi, I'm David Wolfe. I'm not a licensed therapist, but I sure am experienced. You see, my parents were interesting people, and they thought it was a good idea to subjugate little ol' Dave to be their marriage counsellor and therapists.
Did it work? Of course not. Turns out, a kid isn't exactly the best person to be spilling your guts towards. Who knew!?
I wasn't even being paid, not unless you count beans on toast and rice to be some sort of payment for hours long session. Sorry, I'm beginning to sound like I need a therapist of my own, you see, that's called putting myself in 'cho shoes.
I'm not just some yoyo that graduated from the University of East London with a 2:2 in BA Psychology, I iz the real deal, I'm qualified by experience.
If you hire me to be your therapist, I will
- go "uh huh", "okay", "hm, interesting", "well, how did that PERSONALLY affect you?", and if you're lucky, "why do you care so much?"
- Reframe the situation to make you think positively about the event.
- munch on carrots while you talk, this is actually an ancient vedic True Aryan saar wisdom from ancient India, where interrupting a grieving person makes them angry, distracting them from the initial cause of their depression, very effective, saar!
- call you a faggot* depending on how trivial your concerns are, and compare you to other people in order to motivate you to try harder.
All while working on an Ashley Graves DOOM wad, session will last for ONE HOUR. I don't care if you were telling me about how you wish you could've said goodbye to your dying mum but never had the opportunity, yeah well guess you didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye to me either, one hour means one hour.
Here are some examples.
Example 1:
"David, I saw a kid get run over by a van I saw his fucking brains painted all over the pavement, fuck- oh fuck, I saw an eyeball- God, oh God."
"Okay? And? How does that affect you PERSONALLY? Who told you to look? That's your fault, you DECIDED to look at the kid as he was getting crushed instead of minding 'cho own business. Your eyeballs are just as scattered as that kid's!"
"...Woah, I never thought about it that way."
Example 2:
"I lent my friend a van so he can move his furniture, and now I just got a call from the police that they need to seize it because it has blood all over it. My friend was driving by a school and-"
"FUCK! FUCK THIS APPLICATION!"
"What!?"
"Oh, I had spent all this time adding the Ashley Graves sprite into the DOOM wad using Slade3, and I forgot to save the wad so now I have to do that all again. See, you're not the only victim here, faggot, I have problems too you know, but I'm not going around crying about it, you should learn to be alpha like me!"
"...Hey...I guess when you put it like that, it puts into perspective my problems aren't that big of a deal!"
Example 3:
"David, I remember when I was three years old, I couldn't even walk, I saw my dad grab my mum by the hair, slammed her head against the wall, only to then kick her while she was laying on the floor as I cried begging him to stop."
"Woah, so your dad is like- dark triad? That's based, bro. You're the offspring of an sigma male gamer."
"Damn, I guess you're right. Thanks, David!"
Example 4:
"Saar! I am being deport to my country, because saar I come here not legal! My parents they will hit with shoe!"
"Good. Instead of being a Deliveroo driver working at 3am, you should open up a goat farm and hire street children for $1 an hour to milk the goats."
"Wow! Kya bhyat hai! Saar, you are most correct, saar!"
"How did the authorities catch you, anyway?"
"Oh, saar, basically, I didn't have proper driving license and I got into small accide-."
"MOTHERUFC-"
Cough up the dough, and let's suffer in trauma together.
* = I will not call you a faggot if you are a homosexual person, because that wouldn't be cool. As you can see, I adapt my strategies depending on the individual I'm communicating with. Instead, I'll just call you CEO of Aids Inc. instead as a sign of respect.
(Just a side note, this isn't a joke listing. I am 100% serious, I will listen to your trauma and engage with it while working on the Doom WAD).
Category: Assistance
Tags: therapy, ashley graves, doom
Trust rating: Caution
Published on: December 5, 2025
Views: 19
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About the trader
Verified profiles
I log onto XMRBazaar everyday to check any messages or requests. You can also email me at contact@davidwolfe.xyz but I don't check my emails as often so your best bet would be to contact me here.
You are free to ask for a special request, I don't charge much since making money is secondary here, I'm just bored. I think they teach this in economics class, the higher the boredom the lower the prices, something like that...well, economics is basically accounting + astrology so who cares about that, really.
My PGP key: https://davidwolfe.xyz/assets/davidwolfepgpkey.txt
My website: https://davidwolfe.xyz
My website onion: http://davidw4kjv3qnw3nhlh3lxr2peplgzgexu3idgaprlwpgctvne4zpgid.onion/
My video website: https://videos.davidwolfe.xyz
My imageboard: https://ashleygravesis.cool
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